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Tennis boot camp
'Balls up!' screamed Chris Johnson, the tennis coach who convincingly posed as a marine sergeant battling towards Baghdad.
The order to pick up the hundred tennis balls lying across the clay court was a relief. After 10 minutes of 'drill', hitting balls in every direction under the hot Florida sun, a novice like myself longed for a rest.
'This is real tennis. No break,' broke the respite. 'Move your legs!' shouted Chris. 'Treat that ball like an egg. Smash it!'
Finally, I placed a ball successfully. 'I like that sound,' snapped Chris.
Dragged by my tennis-mad family to the beautiful Saddlebrook Resort near Tampa, I would be dishonest to hint at any initial enthusiasm for five hours of tennis coaching every day.
But I reluctantly presented myself at 8am with Wayne, another over-aged hopeful who sported a knee brace, to an outer court which I blessed as the 'lepers' colony'.
Over the following week, many of the dozens who came to be coached with Wayne and me fled at the first opportunity. One particularly obnoxious English couple feared that their brilliant game would be infected by inferiors.
'Sugar puffs,' screeched Mrs Obnoxious after her 100mph serve proved to be less than an ace. Mr Obnoxious served so fast that I only dimly heard the ball swish past. 'I'm arranging to change our coach,' he announced.
Wayne and I looked to our drill sergeant for reassurance. 'Tennis,' repeated Chris, 'is a lower body sport.'
For pupils more used to being slumped in a chair facing a computer, that was nice to know. Boasting 45 tennis courts and a coach on each - some of them former Davis Cup players - Saddlebrook is much more than a camp for tennis buffs seeking improvement from professionals.
Nick, one of my disenchanted ex-tennis partners, switched to golf, practising first on Saddlebrook's driving range and 'Scoring Zone' and then, accompanied by a professional, on one of the resort's two championship courses designed in 480 acres of rolling countryside by Arnold Palmer.
Read more in our destination guide to Florida.